Last week, when introducing A---- to a group of academic colleagues, I floundered over what to call him. With this crowd, saying partner would have been perfectly acceptable, as would have been S.O. or even boyfriend, though some may have cringed at that (including me). So, I said to the group, “This is A----.” And, I left it at that, thinking they would figure it out.
Ten minutes later, the woman next to me asked, “So, who is this man?” and I told her that he is my partner, and she understood and laughed at me (not in a mean spirited way).
Introducing a “Boyfriend” has been a dilemma for me forever, well, since I’ve had “grown up” relationships with people. In this case, A---- is very tall and looks nothing like a “Boy,” which is one of the reasons why I find him attractive and love him. Even as a teen, I never went for the boys who couldn’t grow facial hair. I like men. And, since I am particularly close to this particular man, I CANNOT call him my “Boyfriend.” We are friendly, sure, but we are much more than that. And, despite the fact that I am slightly older, we are both over thirty, for goodness sake. Likewise, I abhor being labeled as a “Girlfriend.”
Back to my social gaffe, I’ve had difficulty because of the MANY connotations of all of the acceptable and even unacceptable names we give our “Special Friends.” One time I heard my aunt introduce him to someone as my “Special Friend,” and that person immediately turned to stare at poor A----. I’m assuming she thought he must have a disability, and she was checking him out to see what it could be as it wasn’t very obvious. My second cousin, who happens to be gay, also has a “Special Friend,” so there are several connotations to this moniker. When I hear relatives say this, I always insert the question, “What is her name? She’s such a nice person,” just to get across the idea that she has an identity beyond her gayness, but I think that is another story.
Once, when a student asked me where I went on vacation, I said, “My partner and I went to Chicago.” And, I could almost hear her mind working over whether or not I am gay. I’m not. And, I know that some people LIKE to use the ambiguous term “Partner” to cause confusion (people get their kicks in different ways) and to subvert sexist language and homophobia. I get it, but I don’t really want to do this. I’m not gay, and I feel no need to hint that I might be.
Another problem I have with the appellation “Partner” is that I sometimes feel like a cowboy when I say it. Once, on accident, I even used a twang when I said it, and so people probably thought I am a gay person into cowboy role-playing, since I am certainly not from Texas. I have been know to joke with greet A---- with “Howdy, partner,” just because it IS funny. But, in seriousness, this is another titleI have trouble saying.
“Significant Other” seems like a Spockism (the Vulcan from Star Trek). It is just too logical to convey the meaning I need. And, the term “Other” is such a buzz word in feminist, etc, theory. The attempt to make the title less cold and Vulcan-like, with the abbreviation S.O., is equally uninformative. WHY is this person significant? HOW significant? When a person says “husband” or “buddy,” we can get an idea about the relationship, but significant? It seems like the person is just trying, again, to subvert the language (this can be a worthy cause, but sometimes, I just want to say something that people will understand).
Now, I’ve toyed with the sobriquet “Lover,” but that is TMI for my taste. People have such dirty minds (and, really, we are lovers), but they don’t get the romance of this word. They just think—sex—which it is about sex but much more, too. I just want to tell people something with reference to A----, and I don't need to picture us doing it.
For the heck of it, I looked up “boyfriend,” “man,” and “lover” and here are some other choices: admirer, angel, armpiece, baby, beau, beefcake, beloved, blade, bloke, buster, chap, companion, courter, crush, daddy, darling, date, dear, dearest, dear one, doll, dude, escort, fellow, fiancé, flame, follower, gent, gentleman caller, gentleman friend, guy, heartbeat, heartthrob, honey, honeybunch, hunk, idol, idolizer, inamorato, love, loved one, lover, lord, main man, man, master, mister, number one, numero uno, old man, paramour, passion, pet, prize, rave, Romeo, spark, squeeze, squire, steady, stud, sugar, sugar daddy, suitor, suppliant, swain, sweet, sweetheart, sweetie, sweetie pie, tootsie, treasure, truelove, turtledove, valentine, wooer, young man
I must say that some of these would be fun to throw around and see reactions, including A----'s.
“How do you do? I’d like to introduce you to my idolizer and supplicant” or “Here is A----, my armpiece sugar daddy, beefcake, stud. He’s a nice chap of a fellow, a real Romeo and a prize bloke.” If we go out for Italian food, and I need to order for A----, I can say, “My numero uno inamorato will have the lasagna.” If I’m feeling especially loving in February, I could call him, “My valentine, heartthrob, passion pet.”
The “Lord” and “Master” thing just couldn’t work for me, and I know A---- would puke if I called him a “Tootsie” or “Turtledove."
